Search for an afternoon
tags: [journal]
TL&DR: After Mirandela, I had my birthday and other events, which drove to some form of anhedonia. This text documents each of the steps down the rabbit hole, and my return to some form of sanity.
Overview
Going to Mirandela was a great experience, albeit the issues that arose. Health and motivation go hand in hand, and whence one falters, the other follows. Round 5 more than the other issues was the determining factor. A poison like no other.
I stopped writing on the last day of that tournament. The ability to write objectively vanished. Games, and thoughts were left to be analysed and completed. The feeling of incompleteness haunts everything, and soon enough comes lack of sleep and concentration.
Work took a toll, but work was part of the equation in terms of the degrading state of affairs.
Anhedonia and the decline of an empire
July was the month of success. Things were hard, but there was hope. The end of the month everything went downhill, as progress stalled. The consistent buzz of urgent issues, that were nothing but the itches of spoiled creatures, did nothing but distract from substantial objectives.
Some echoed the old idea of focusing on oneself. They might’ve been right, if the circumstances are ignored. The landscape of ruin and misery drives the mind of the beholder down to depths of the ocean. The pressure of the surroundings crushes the observer, and leaves everything to inaction and passivity.
Once the senses are overwhelmed, comes the state of anhedonia, and the lack of sensation or achievement in any endeavour. There can be no better catalyst to the infernal cycle.
Depression brings anhedonia, and anhedonia brings depression, in an endless devilish cycle.
Recovering
Having my 28th birthday brought only a deeper sense to my despair. It became unbearable. Contemplation of one’s death came into perspective. It looked like it couldn’t get worse.
Guess what, it got worse. After such realisation, slowly came a mindset of indifference. This apathy so traditional in my darkest hours, appears now to me as my salvation. Steadily since Wednesday, things are improving.
Let us see how far I can go feeling nothing for anything. There’s only some sense of relief, being able to write this afternoon.