Surreal pain
tags: [journal]
TL&DR: Musings on psychosomatic symptoms, and how anxiety sometimes goes overboard.
Dr. Chris Taub : You know he just doesn’t want to live in pain.
Dr. Gregory House : Life is pain! I wake up every morning in pain! Work is pain! You know how many times I just wanted to give up? How many times I’ve thought about ending it?
– House M.D.
Having lost, it made me think about the trajectory of things. Due to stress induced by this whole affair, when I went to my room, it hit me. A striking, and merciless back pain holding no punches.
It happens from time to time, when my nerves are a bit shot. It’s a beautiful alarm clock within my body, but a bit wicked and twisted. Spent the last 3 hours in bed, relaxing and thinking about it all.
For some odd reason, I completely enjoy these moments of agony. They sharpen me up. Pain is just pain, it is here, it comes, it goes, you ignore it, or not. Most of the times, one must admit you can’t ignore it. This situation is however an old friend.
Thus after 3 glorious hours, I got up, and struggled to the balcony. Grabbed my cigarette, and thought about it. The power of mind over matter is something that I’m still to understand. Somehow my body starts aching, whenever I overdo the grey matter.
Is this a survival instinct to make me reassess my conditions, and strive for a better solution/move? Maybe, I do nothing, but speculate. The thing is that it looks like it’s just conjured up, nothing more, nothing less. Another question remains. Why do I do this to myself? To be further investigated.